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15 Jan 08
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The Gabbles of Marco Polo: part III The third, and God willing final, part of the saga from the, if there is any justice in the World rapidly running out of ink, pen of BJD. Enjoy!
Players
Marco: Matt Damon
Maffeo: Hugh Grant
Niccolo: Morgan Freeman
Ticket Seller: Zhang Ziyi
Colleague:... |
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01 Jan 08
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A pavements lot is not a happy one (Sidewalk Blues) Sing along to the tune of ‘Dog shit on your shoes’ by the Chranquies. Click Here to hear the full Sinocidal version played along to a hard core porn video starring Xiao Bang Bang and featuring Heng Long, Da Wang’r and Xiao... |
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18 Dec 07
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What’s in a name - rehahahahashed. Sometimes I think that with all the problems in the world, some people create little alternative worlds for themselves to escape from reality. A bit like Sinocidal I guess, but I’d hate to think we ever took anything remotely seriously.
“Oh... |
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12 Dec 07
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The combined effects of Rain on Pollution, Gravity and Commonsense. It’s raining, again, and through empirically derived results we see once again that rain enhances stupidity. Although the subjects for analysis are based locally, the same laws will probably apply anywhere in the world to greater or lesser degrees,... |
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03 Dec 07
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Don’t Hit Me With A Fish A Guest Post by Frankie the Clam.
I truly have no problem with not smoking. Actually, I can name several reasons why I haven’t…..
But I can tell you from my experiences, one most recent comes to mind, that there is really no physical... |
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26 Nov 07
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Ground Control to Major Tong Time:
July 2008
Place:
Pedagogue II – US/Russian/Japanese space station orbiting Earth
People:
Colonel Bill Gertz USAF, 43.
Captain Yuri Andropov Russian Federation Air Force, 38.
Professor Kendo Nagasaki, scientist, 37.
Major Tong K... |
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17 Nov 07
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Happy Birthday to Us. A not so special day is fast approaching in a rickety old rickshaw with a few cases of lager and a couple of bottles of Buckfast strapped to the back. One year ago on November 19th, the large, sweaty loins of the Internet opened up and after a few... |
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12 Nov 07
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On How I Fisted Gong Li I know I’ll write about people spitting…er hang on. OK, I’ll write about how I struggle through the streets of a Chinese city on bicycle every morning…hmm. Eureka! I’ll write about wandering around Beijing’s fast-disappearing hutongs and the... |
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10 Nov 07
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The environmentally friendly approach to paper conservation. Or, how to survive in China on one sheet of toilet paper per day.
People in the Forum were bitchin’ about having to carry there own paper in case they are caught out and need to go to visit the squater while out and about. Never fear, there’s... |
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07 Nov 07
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Get Ugly Early A Guest Post by Got Rice.
Once again I find myself navigating the labyrinth of narrow passageways between the homes in a village who’s name is unknown to me. But the smells, sounds and feel of some undefinable viscus fluid squishing beneath m... |
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05 Nov 07
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The Forum vs The ‘Blog’ thingy. Now that we have a Forum to keep you all entertained and stop you from over-masturbating (is that even possible?) then the main part of the website is less of a worry for us. Far from wanting to fuck you all about with a ‘will they go or... |
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04 Nov 07
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The Sinocidal Forum is now open At long last, after weeks of inactivity and doing nothing, we’ve finally got around to doing nothing and just decided to launch the forum in all its glory and naked ambition, or lack of. You can go to the forum, register and go crazy by clicking... |
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24 Oct 07
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Sinocide is painless and so are tearless farewells. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll get straight to the point, as always. The time has come as we all knew it would, to say goodbye. Sinocidal is approaching its first birthday and we’ve decided to pull the chain on our western toilet... |
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23 Oct 07
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The People’s Consulate Of America I will begin by stating I thought long and hard about writing this post.
1. Because I really don’t want to flame on the Consul of the United States Citizens Service Unit in Shanghai who is a fine gentleman who treated me very well and to burn on... |
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19 Oct 07
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You know you’ve been in China too long when… YES!!! - I know it’s my turn to post something and while trying to hide from my social responsibilities and avoid admitting that I’m back in China I was struck square in the face with an avalanche of pollution that send me choking back to my... |
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15 Oct 07
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Lost in Translation – The Gabbles of Marco Polo (Part Two) By BJD - script found during underpinning work at Sinocidal Towers
Marco Polo – Steven Segal
Niccolo Polo – Spike Milligan
Maffeo Polo – Flava Flav
Travis Bickle – Robert De Niro
John Elway - HimselfChristopher
Old Uyghur Lady – Ran Asakawa
Spi... |
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11 Oct 07
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David And The Magic Torch A few months ago it was my pleasure to meet David DeGeest and Lonnie B Hodge of the China Dream Blog. In a way, the CDB is the antithesis of Sinocidal; while we sit around on our arses all day complaining about the minutiae of life in China, these guys... |
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09 Oct 07
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The V Girls Lightning crashed to a roll of ear-splitting thunder. As the demonic sparks flashed across the heavens, the hooded figure ran beneath the torrential rain and glanced at the words “SINOCIDAL TOWERS” as the tempest briefly illuminated the... |
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08 Oct 07
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Threading the Needle Dao! Dao!……Dao!…Dao! Dao! “Aw shit, here we go again,” I thought to myself. Another driver in the bike lane (a fenced bike lane, MaiMai) at a complete stop holding up a group of, so far, about 20 bikes that either don’t... |
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04 Oct 07
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Go Fuck Yourself Whore Or: It really hits the fan.
Fuck you. No, really, fuck you. If I had my way in this world I would have long ago buried you neck deep in a pile of rotting donkey manure and then pissed all over your fat face as your tears mingle with the maggots that... |
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01 Oct 07
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Outrageous, I hear you say. We all hear and read so many strange things in and about China and the Sinical, Sceptical and Sinocidal among us take most of it with a pinch of msg. We’d use snuff but that makes you sneeze, or coke but that’s not so good for you and... |
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27 Sep 07
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Lost in Translation – The Gabbles of Marco Polo (Part one) Marco Polo – Steven Segal
Niccolo Polo – Spike Milligan
Maffeo Polo – Flava Flav
Bartender – George Formby
Customer – Marcus Garvey
Messenger boy – Yoko Matsugane
A bar somewhere in Venice 1275.
Bartender: …so I just punted down to Kwik-F... |
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25 Sep 07
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The Best of Times In July 2002 I was invited to be the foreign teacher for a 3 week English summer camp in Shaoxing. I hadn’t come to China to teach English and was no way qualified to be an English teacher and as such, was surely at that time, the shittiest teacher... |
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19 Sep 07
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The One Where TaiTai’s Grandson Goes to Beijing in 2047 20 September 2047
Dear GrandTaiTai,
Phew! Well I finally made it to Beijing. You were right, the teleporters are NOT instant; must have taken at least 15 seconds to get from the living room to the lobby of the Oriental Great Wall Red Dragon Yao Ming... |
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17 Sep 07
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It’s around again in the cycle of the moon. Preamble - please skip to the text below that is all in UPPERCASE and BOLD, ignore everything else.
Sinocidal is many things to many people, although we’re not sure what and to who, but it sure did sound like a nice way to use a cliché at the star... |
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13 Sep 07
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Religion is Red…Maybe In a shocking article in last month’s Shunthead - America’s leading rail enthusiasts journal, Kansas railroad veteran Bob “Chugger” Mancey uncovered evidence that China may have been the birthplace of religion as well as... |
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11 Sep 07
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The Final Countdown The Scene: The underground overground Wombling free base of an evil megalomaniac bent on world domination; complete with men in shiny suits driving golf buggies and sharks fitted with laser beam helmets. Our hero, James Surname, knocks out an underlin... |
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11 Sep 07
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Dudes With Vaginas I’ve only sat through one soccer game on TV in my whole life. I’m reminded of this because today is opening day of the FIFA Women’s World Cup in Hangzhou (and some other cities) Don’t worry,I’m not going to write about the... |
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05 Sep 07
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My head’s full of theme tunes played on an Erhu. My momma always said, “Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”
Not in China - Life is more like a box of deep-fried animal parts, you never know what shit you’re going to bite into next, to... |
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05 Sep 07
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A day in the life of… Ooh, sleepy, so sleepy. Comfortable. Hmm, waking, a sharp pain in my chest, it’s getting more intense now. Having trouble breathing. Must open my eyes and see what it is. Eyelids, so heavy. Can’t breathe. Must open my eyes. They open with a bang. I c... |
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05 Sep 07
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The One Where TaiTai’s Mate’s Dad Goes to China in 1971 A couple of years ago I was talking to a friend’s father, back in the UK, about life in China and he mentioned that he’d traveled there a couple of times in the early seventies. Naturally I was very interested to hear of his experiences,... |
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05 Sep 07
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“The Knocking” As many of you are no doubt aware, most writers and journalists of note now come to Sinocidal first when they want help on their stories. Legendary horror writer Stephen “I’ve written more books than I’ve read” King is n... |
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05 Sep 07
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TAHOE 911! HANGZHOU.
Dammit! I just got another bike stolen. That’s 9 in 5 and 1/2 years of living in China,so that means on average I Iose 1 bike for every….uh…..well you do the math. There are few things lower than a bicycle thief. Even common... |
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05 Sep 07
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Sinocidal Magazine’s September Event List Sept 1st: Jungle is Massive Night at Club Babyface*
Find that minimal isn’t enough for your dancefloor fix? Had enough of monotonous trance synth-lines that have sold out to “The Man”? Wanna take a pill drop back to the true progressive... |
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05 Sep 07
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The Adventures of Donkey Houtei Donkey Houtei (驴后忒) sets out to free China from its communist overlords and intends to govern the great land along with his trusted compadre, Sanshou Panzi (三手盘子）, or simply Sanshou to his friends.
Together the friends set out from their l... |
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05 Sep 07
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Lessons From The Past By Hunxuer
Update: Now with full 35-page article goodness! (and by God Hunxuer I’m gonna kill you!)
Excerpts and Sinocidal commentary from an article in the December, 1971 National Geographic by a Canadian (Caucasian, not Cantonese immigrant)... |
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05 Sep 07
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The One About The Guy With Big Balls They say you can measure a man by the quality of his friends. If that metric is true, I must be doing ok. There are not many people in China (or anywhere, actually) that I would take a bullet for. One guy I would take a bullet for is my good friend Zhu... |
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05 Sep 07
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I just had to share this with y’all Where last week we were moved by the guy who designed the Olympic stadium and we toyed with the idea of making him ‘Man of the Month’, but we were too lazy - this week I’ve found a Biatch who deserves to be nominated as Augusts Ms.... |
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05 Sep 07
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The Blame Game Exhibit A: A small innocent young boy sits in the casualty department of his local hospital with a saucepan stuck on his head. His howling cries can be heard throughout the hospital, and the doctors try desperately to calm him down, lest the flow of... |
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19 Jul 07
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Put Yourself in My Shoes The other day I was browsing the New Scientist website, and I came across this title and blurb on the main page:
Self-centered cultures narrow your viewpoint
An experiment requiring consideration of another person’s perspective highlights a huge gap... |
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18 Jul 07
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Dr. Ni Dul Dik To the doctor on duty at the First Affliated Hospital, Zhejiang University, College of Medicine.
You saw me come into your office. I’m pretty hard to miss especially when there was only the one person in the room that you were treating when I came.... |
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15 Jul 07
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Ni hao, this is a Chinese rip-off. The following is a true story.
Friend Coffee Shop Manager lounges in his deep leather chair. Before him lie the disparate elements of his new promising Starbucks-style coffee shop: Atmospheric Just Like Seattle Coffee Shop Number 47. It is his job ... |
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11 Jul 07
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Big Comrade is watching you - and tracking your every movement? Do you you believe in Leprechauns and/or the Tooth Fairy - Yes or No?
If you answered Yes to the above question, please continue with Section A. If you answered No, then skip to Section Y
Section A.
It may have all seemed like science fiction, in ... |
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10 Jul 07
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Your Sinocidal Needs YOU. There was a time when Sinocidal was known for little more than rants about spitting, diatribes against queue jumping, Olympic Mascot bashing, shameless self-aggrandizement, boring comments from Nanheyangrouchuanr, sexual innuendo from Hung, balls out the... |
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05 Jul 07
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The One Where TaiTai’s TaiTai’s Mama Goes to Hospital This is not a funny post, (”no change there!” I hear you cry) there is no punchline, so please don’t expect one. I just wanted to air this situation and get people’s thoughts, experiences, advice even on something. So here’s... |
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04 Jul 07
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DEAR METELLICA My name is Lang Lang and I live in Hangzhou,China and I am a big fan. You guys rule! I caught your guys show back in ‘98 at the Lawlor Events Center in Reno. It totally kicked ass! The concert was “in the round” wherein the whole floor... |
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02 Jul 07
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Jonathan Lee: The Strangest Expat Ever. Bastards. Sex pests. Arseholes. Kiddie fiddlers. Freaks.
These are just some of the words that spring to mind when normally referring to some types of foreigner who find themselves washed up upon China’s shores. And quite frequently the... |
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28 Jun 07
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Houhai High Noon Characters
Lana: 31-years-old, from L.A., publishing executive. Feisty.
Vivien: 26-years-old, from Labrador, research student. Weight issues.
Ian: 27-years-old, Australian-born, Hong Kong raised, accountant. Twat.
Ross: 27-years-old, from Bath in the UK,... |
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26 Jun 07
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What else are your balls for? It was a really hot and humid Sunday morning and I was outside for an early morning walk. I was getting a bit hot and sweaty so I decided to sit down for a bit in the shade of a little street-side park and watch all the old people dancing, exercising and... |
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24 Jun 07
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Mythbusters takes on China’s Top 10. Busted, Plausible, or Confirmed? 10. Every foreign white guy/girl in China is qualified to be an English Teacher.
9. Every foreign black guy in Beijing is a drug dealer.
8. Every Chinese person is an Atheist, anti-Christian, anti-American communist.
7. Every white foreigner in... |
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